How did we stumble into thinking being open was the same as being accessible?
You are allowed to keep things private.
Especially as women. We’re constantly encouraged to “share our story,” “be authentic,” “show up as your true self,” and apparently that also means to yell into the internet about what we ate for breakfast, retell the story about keying an ex’s car that we told our therapist, and exactly what we’re doing with the rest of our lives.
Umm… no.
And that’s allegedly keyed an ex’s car.
A lot of what’s happening or has happened in our lives should be kept private. Or, at the most, kept within our inner circle. Very, very small inner circle.
I actually love hearing people’s stories, especially when they’ve gone through something and overcome it. I want to know what worked, what failed, and what they learned. I also love the scandalous, salacious ones, the kind that have you scratching your head like, “how the hell did that happen?” But just because others choose to divulge it all in the public square for profit or fame doesn’t mean that needs to be you.
With each passing second, more and more systems and technology keep sucking up enormous amounts of our personal information, mostly buried in an approval agreement we can’t possibly read because who has time to understand 500 pages of legalese?
Curiosity Should Not Create an Obligation
Not everything needs to be explained. Not every question deserves an answer, truthful or not.
Think and Repeat: Just because they ask, doesn’t mean they are owed. Damn nosey, if you ask me.
Again, curiosity is a good thing, but it doesn’t create an obligation on your end.
If you’re asked something that you feel is invasive, off-putting, pushy, or a little forward, and walking away isn’t a clear option, but cussing them out in front of others feels a lil too much, how about…
- “That’s an interesting question. Why do you ask?”
This puts it back on them, whether it’s just the two of you or you’re in a crowd. My thing is, it’s not always just the actual question that’s the problem. It’s the reason behind the question.
- Why do they want to know?
- What are they trying to understand?
- Is this genuine curiosity?
- Are they making conversation?
- Are they trying to help?
- Are they being nosy?
- Are they trying to set you up? Malicious, I know, but…you know.
As a kid, our mum was good about giving my sister and me words for situations we could get stuck in.
I’ll give you a teeny example:
Question from Idiot: So are you British or Ghanaian?
My Mum’s response for me: Both. You’re born here, so you’re British, and Ghanaian because of me.
That being said, she was also the same woman who couldn’t just say, “If you don’t eat your vegetables, Irene, you won’t grow up to be big and strong.”
Nope.
My mum’s version (and she was a nurse): If you don’t eat your vegetables, Irene, you’ll develop [insert some dire intestinal medical term I obviously didn’t understand at seven], then you’ll have to be rushed to hospital and stay there for at least 10 days. Now, I can’t visit you because I have to take care of Bridget, so you’ll be in the hospital all by yourself.
Me: Gulps in response, shaken to my core, while thinking a seven-year-old version of “I’m sorry, what now??!!” Then, in a tear-stained haze, consumes said vegetable.
And no, we never questioned her. My sister and I being alive today is proof of that.
#Don’tMessWithMyMum. #HellaCrazy. #RIPMum.
Fast-Forward to Me in My Mum Role
I’m happy to say I partake in a saner version of this with my girls because kids these days have phones… with cameras… there’s social services… and jail… you fill in the rest.
But having language on hand is key. Going blank might feel less awful than giving over personal deets when you never wanted to.
Sure, in those moments you can also smile, crack a joke, or divert the conversation entirely. The point is to give yourself a moment to really hear their question and try to determine where their curiosity is really coming from, and then decide how you want to respond.
You Don’t Have to Explain Your Boundary
From way back in the day, far too many of us had been conditioned to soften every boundary until it barely qualifies as a boundary. And who among us even knew what a boundary was?
But now we know better, we do better.
So the next time you get asked something that feels intrusive, touches a nerve, makes you side-eye the requester, or just feels off, believe it. Trust your senses.
Try not to shrink or over-explain with some:
“I’m sorry, I can’t really talk about that because, you know, it’s just kind of complicated and maybe later when I’ve flushed things out more and… blah, blah, blah,”
Nope, we’re not doing that.
How about?
- “I don’t really discuss that.”
- “Interesting question. I’m just not ready to discuss that right now.”
- “That’s not something I share.”
Then you can stop talking. Literally.
Once you’ve stated your boundary, you’re done, babe. You don’t have to keep adding reasons until the other person finally agrees that your boundary is reasonable.
And if they keep pushing? Now you have information.
If you were in their position and realized you’d asked something inappropriate, you’d probably back the hell up, tripping over yourself to apologize. So them pushing tells you your instincts were dead-on.
Now it’s time to stay silent. Let the awkwardness settle with them.
But if that’s not your comfort level, all good… time to walk away. Move far away and find another group.
Conversation over.
Need a Few More Polite Escape Routes?
I hear ya. Boldness comes in all flavors, no worries.
• Someone asks what you do for a living and you don’t feel like getting into it?
“I’m in contracts, but I’m a die-hard mystery buff.”
Boom! Now you’re talking about the latest mystery book series, shows, or whatever.
• Someone asks if you live close by but you’re not about to give over exact coordinates?
“I’m around here somewhere, but I’m currently obsessed with finding the best little coffee shops.”
Boom! Now they know you exist in the general vicinity and absolutely nothing useful about where you actually live, while you carry on yapping about your coffee addiction. And if there’s no mal intent, they’d join in coffee convo.
Keep the mystery of you until you decide what you want to share. You get to control how much access people have to you.
Unless you drop it on the net, then of course, it’s up for anyone.
Privacy Isn’t Isolation
Nor does it mean you’re being standoffish, rude, think you’re above anyone, or a complete bitch.
And you’re not anti-social either.
And at this Big Age, I’m much more interested in discernment. Sometimes people can only get your headline, the ‘rated E for Everyone’ version, if they get anything at all.
And that’s more than okay.
My personality is definitely open arms, but not an open book.
