Not who you think you’re supposed to be or who someone else decided you are, but the actual you.
I was reminded the other day about an old all-day meeting, conference-type event, where I coaxed a co-worker of mine into introducing ourselves to a senior exec at our client site. Now this co-worker knew her stuff, I mean down to the ground, but she was always hesitant about making initial moves. Others noted it as being her whole personality but I knew they were wrong. So here goes me and my ‘I don’t give a damn’ self and I nudge her along to face the exec. I didn’t do it to push her out of her shell or anything but just so we got some face time with the bigwig. That was literally my whole reason. Yet after a 20-second intro, this heifer was all smiles and mingling like she knew him from summer camp.
Now did I overstep not fully considering her comfort level? Probably. My bad. But deep, deep, deep down, I knew she’d be OK, and I knew who she was at her core. But still, I probably was a pushy lil bitch on that one.
My point is, I’m speaking about the difference between knowing who you are and knowing how other people see you. Sometimes those two things can be galaxies apart from the truth.
Who Do They Think You Are?
Like, think about it for a sec, maybe you’re the dead-serious type, but because you appear to others as warm and friendly, nobody takes you seriously. Or you come across to others as pretentious, when you’re actually a total softie. Or because you’re quiet with an authoritative demeanor, others are convinced you’re the opposite and now see you as overly approachable. Yikes!
We all do this to a point. Within ten seconds of meeting someone, we’ve already started building a story about them. From their dress and style to their smile, head tilt, or resting bitch face, which may just have come out on that one day for a specific reason. Hell, your 60-minute ‘bubbly’ Zoom-face isn’t your whole damn personality either. One comment or one temporary statement or expression, and boom, we’ve decided who they are. We’ve “sussed them out.”
Except, have we? Maybe we picked up on something real, maybe we’re meeting one version of them at one point in time. Or maybe we made that shit up and have it all the way wrong.
I’ve lived this one a few times, I’m sure. I’ve been told and summed up waaay too many times that I’m bubbly, fun-loving, even funny. At an old job we took one of those Myers-Briggs tests, I think it was, and apparently, I was “gregarious.” Umm, okay then.
But spoiler alert: those traits really are a big part of who I am. I enjoy life, good people, and good conversations. I laugh waaay too much at myself and others. So I’ll own it as part of who I am, but not all of it. Don’t confuse my happy-go-lucky self with thinking that’s me all day, every day, and please don’t mistake it for weakness. I can be all of those things and still want to destroy you from the inside out if you mess with me or mine. Both things can be true.
We Decide Too Damn Fast
That’s where we get ourselves into trouble. We start fighting our natural energy because we don’t like how people are interpreting it. But I don’t believe the answer lies in becoming somebody else, but in understanding how you’re being perceived, then deciding whether you want to adjust it. And if you even want to adjust it.
If you naturally come across as warm but you’re trying to establish authority, you don’t need to go cold and intimidating. Recognize it, work with what you’ve got, and make intentional adjustments. Once you know how people see you, you can reset their expectations. Show them more of the person they haven’t met yet.
And one more time for the cheap seats, that’s IF and only IF, you want to.
Miscommunication is at an all-time high with AI and in reality. People are filling in blanks and reacting to a snapshot version of you or a version they invented. But you don’t have to accept their first impression as your permanent identity. If people assume your resting bitch face means you’re mean 365 days a year, they’ll believe that until you give them something different.
Do I have to mention the ‘cheap seats’ again? Please say no.
You don’t owe everyone access to the full version of you, right or wrong. Some people only need to see a certain side of you for the relationship to work, and that’s at work, with certain friends, within your family. Now the chosen ones, they get to see the full cacophony of the beautiful, bountiful, and lovingly mixed up crazy that is you. You’re welcome!
Always Check The Source
If you’ve ever heard “Oh, she thinks she’s…” or “Why does she act like…?” you know what I’m talking about. Sometimes that feedback is valid. Someone calling you on a real pattern and changing it ain’t a bad thing. We can all become better.
Other times it’s their complete bullshit, their jealousy, their fake-arse, back-stabbingness, even in our Big-Age. Time to check the source, because someone else’s insecurity has zero to do with you. You can’t force someone to change a mistaken perception of you, but if you choose to, you can show them who you are, communicate differently, and give them new information. Your job is to know yourself well enough that you don’t rewrite your whole personality just because somebody misread you.
Don’t fight your natural energy. Work with it in your favor.
And whether they update their version of you or not is their business.
