Villain = Evil, wicked person.
Within this popular term or saying, “I’m in my villain-era”, I’m not for one second buying the evil part, but the wicked part is in fact wickedly delectable to me. Not (no longer) giving a damn about what anybody else thinks, being the bigger person, or taking the high road isn’t about you now doing wrong to others who wronged you (well, not always), but about taking back your power to choose. It’s not about resetting your personality to be stuck on cruel, but to finally be selfish—in the most positive sense of the word.
It’s a return to yourself.
Disclaimer: Also, never be the bigger person. Trust me. What’s smaller than a molecule? An atom? Be that. Being the bigger person gets you nothing but treated like a fool, over and over. I’m just saying, if the choice is to be the bigger person, or a whole arsehole, be the booty… and then shake it, Babe!
And we’re back.
It’s been a minute for me, but I have been languishing in my villain era, like it was a secluded, rooftop pool at a five-star, adult-only resort, and see no reason to exit it anytime soon. The release of not having to weigh up the feelings, consideration, or ego of others, and to instead put mine first is Chef’s kiss. And it actually makes things better for all around.
Let me explain what I mean.
I’ve never been a people pleaser, so to speak, but I have often put myself and what I want five steps below other people. Now, the needs of my kiddos don’t count towards this. And especially these days. Their consideration, especially when they were little, felt automatic. I won’t lie sometimes it was “challenging” knowing you couldn’t make an event because they had practice or some other commitment, but it wasn’t anywhere near as annoying to have to consider people who expected your time, presence—and then be fake-happy about it. Then once that all disappears… it’s a perfectly pure, Bad Boys WOOSAH moment. Do feathers get a tad bit ruffled? Yep. But you’re in this new era, so you don’t need to care one lick! The performance is over, the curtain has dropped, and you never need nor want to go back to it.
How does your ‘Villain Era’ start?
Think about an event you’ve been informed is coming up, or a thing that you’ve done before, hated, and it’s rearing its head back up again. That discomfort appears first. Then resentment bubbles up next, until vexation and internal (or external) cussing follows quickly on its heels. You said yes to the event or thing ages ago, or you were expected to say yes, or it was presumed you would. And to not have things or people look bad, if you said no, you went along. Even when those people only wanted your presence or service, to satisfy something that had nothing to do with you, let alone your own happiness.
Yeah, not a fan.
And I hate to have to tell you this is the only ‘how to step into your villain era’ guide I can give you, is to rip off the band aid (plaster), tear up the be-nice-play-nice rule book, and immediately come from a place of ‘do I really want to do this?’ Heavy on the ‘I’.
“Do I really want to do this?”
Need more questions than just this one to help you decide?
- Why don’t I want to do this? Weigh the pros and cons—with yourself in mind.
- Who’s asking this of me? Is it a good friend who’s always there to support you, or someone who’s never been told no and because of the never-ending drama they’ll cause?
- Will I disappoint myself by going against myself? Put yourself first.
- Am I agreeing out of habit or genuine desire? Think of your past habits.
- Does this honor my boundaries or test them? Seriously, think on this one.
In the end, however you come about your decision not to participate in events or things that weigh on you, or outright bring you down, those temporary feelings of guilt are just that, temporary. Fleeting even. But going against yourself, now that lasts much longer, seeing as you keep thinking about it over and over again. Even months after your involvement.
For me, it started with realizing that saying no without over-explaining was absolutely fine. Again, I’m not psychotic, and when it felt warranted, I’d give a genuine reason. Where I felt unappreciated, or worse, I just kept my mouth shut after my no. My ‘mouth’ can get away from me at times, so silence protects everyone. Believe me.
Think about something that should be as simple as choosing an outfit. You can either wear the hottest, newest trend that you hate, head to toe, for everyone else, or wear what feels right and looks good to you. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? It doesn’t matter. No matter what anyone else thinks, even if they have the best intentions, as I believe most people do, if it’s not for you, it’s not for you. No apology needed.
Your ‘Villain Era’ is not all about saying no
It could also be something you’d normally say no to. Or something people expect you to poo-poo, you now excitedly say yes to. Think about why you used to say no. Was it that it just didn’t fit in with all you had going on? Maybe the players involved weren’t the ones you’d pick to experience that event or thing with? Maybe you’re in a space and place where it looks different to you, so you get to change your mind and go in a different direction. Or how about you just bloody-well want to?
Villain-Era-Engaged
The most fascinating, and even funny, thing about you being in your villain era is the feedback loop. Good or bad, those around you will respond. They’ll adjust, or they won’t. Either way, you’ll survive, Luv. Yes, you will. Survive and thrive—and in surviving, you learn what you can really do. That validation can be cool, but it isn’t essential. Who you are—this newfound power—lives in your authenticity, not others’ approval or selfish disappointment.
Say it with me: “I exist on my terms.”
You are already whole. Nothing is or was missing. Nothing or no one needs to be added to make you complete. We can always improve, and we should, but half or lesser of a person, you ain’t.
I think we should look at a villain era as the missing gateway to our authentic selves. So, the true OG “villain” isn’t in you being a rebel just to be a rebel, but in your rebellion or defiance in no longer shrinking or silencing yourself to make others comfortable. At my Big Age, I’d rather be happy being a whole drama-llama than to go against myself to so-called ‘keep the peace’. Whose peace… who? Who?
So here I am, deep in my villain era. Not trading it for anything and seeing it as an ongoing victory. That every time I make a decision, or start a new to-do list, that I am at the top of it. My feelings and reactions. And lemme tell you, it’s contagious.
Time to quit your acting job
Unless you’re a true actor, that is. Take a real, long look at you, and question where you’ve been performing, and why?
The villain era isn’t a phase, but a practice and a mindset, and I have no clue when this era ends, and what’s next. Maybe it never does, and for now, I don’t mind one lil bit. I might have lost some people (seasonal) or old friends (might have been fake), but my commitment to my authenticity is everything to me. I get it; villains have a bad rap, and in the books and movies, it’s usually justified. But don’t get so hung up on the word and see it for its true intent.
