My Possibly Unhinged, Maybe Accurate, But Deeply Necessary List
The holidays: a magical time of joy, connection, warmth… and an absurd number of expectations no one signed up for.
Some traditions are sweet.
Some trigger warm memories you actually want to hold on to.
But those other ones? Jail.
They need:
- a waiver
- a therapist team
- at least six-top lawyers ready with a class-action lawsuit
So, in the spirit of healing, humor, and all the chaos I feel is needed, here’s your (my) completely necessary list of…
Holiday Traditions That Should Absolutely, Positively End in a Lawsuit… beginning in 2025.
1. Unnecessarily leaving the comfort of my home to go into the ‘Winter’
First of all? Why? Second of all, who’s asking? Third-of all… why?
Absolutely not!
Do I need to remind anyone that I don’t winter well? Solid grade F-, with no hopes of improvement.
Going to work, doing regular life chores, and based on how far it is on the diabolical weather scale, at no point during winter do I want to:
- scrape ice off anything.
- feel my bones vibrate from the demonic wind chill.
- watch my skin fight for its life, moving from a cracking icicle-texture (outside air) to Sahara-desert dry (inside car forced air), and back again.
I adore seeing my friends, and love seeing them even more when the weather isn’t abusing me. In winter, me and my blanket are in a committed, safe, and thriving relationship. No cheating.
2. Seeing people you don’t actually like because “It’s the Holidays”
Even bumping into them. Prison-worthy. Skipping jail.
Why, in the ‘all is calm, all is bright‘ season, must we:
• force proximity
• perform politeness
• count the minutes until we can leave
If we haven’t spoken since last year’s awkward gathering… let’s keep it that way. The universe is screaming: don’t ‘deck their halls’ with bows, blows, or any drama. Prison is non-negotiable; silent judgment mandatory.
3. The obligatory gift exchange
I’m here and present for a hella-fun Secret Santa with my real ones: $25 thoughtful gifts, gift cards, even the worst disrespectful offerings — all welcome.
But in this economy, those still playing in the fake and forced gift Olympics, I’m praying for you.
- They unexpectedly bought you something.
- Now you feel obligated to reciprocate not even knowing what the heck they like.
- You both hate your gifts.
- And yet, for the next umpteen years, you’re locked in a festive ceremony neither of you wanted. Collecting gifts (aka Tat, as we say in the UK) neither of you actually like.
Gives me the shivers just thinking of it. Someone’s gotta be brave and call it. The “I grabbed this at checkout” energy has got to stop. It’ll be okay.
4. “You HAVE to be happy — It’s the holidays!”
Shut the hell up! This one is criminally under-discussed.
Not everyone is sparkling like the lights surrounding us in every store, restaurant, or home. For many, this is and will continue to be one of the hardest times just to get through.
The external emotional pressure to:
- be joyful
- be grateful
- be social
- be healed
- be festive
Meanwhile, people are still:
- grieving
- broke
- burnt out
- lonely
- Missing loved ones
- overstimulated
- barely surviving
Just being genuinely happy for others is a feat in itself. Forcing others to be bat-shit giddy? Jail! Santa ain’t down for that. Some are performing just to get by. Be kind, be thoughtful, or—if that’s too much—be quiet. And far, far over there.
5. The absurd decorating standards
Where it seems that every holiday requires:
- a new theme.
- A response to: “Oh, you started decorating early?” — said hella-judgey.
- An excuse for: “Oh, where are all your decorations?” — also said hella-judgey.
- matching on-trend pillows.
- seasonal dishware… what even is that?
If you’re lucky enough to be invited into the warmth of someone’s home, why are some people judging? What are they even judging? If the host has vomited up Christmas, fantastic. If it’s the complete opposite, also same. Some of us are just trying to survive never-ending laundry while enduring the holidays.
6. Delayed burnout hitting after the holidays
Ooh! Yes! And no one really talks about the emotional crash that comes after, and when you’re back at work (if you were even able stop):
- sadness when the décor comes down.
- missed connections with people you didn’t see.
- financial strain (please, please, don’t go overboard).
- the emotional labor of it all.
January 1st isn’t a fresh start for everyone. For many, it’s the first chance to collapse.
My final take
If we scale back the stress triggers, we can start to break free from the dumb pressures and actually enjoy or survive the season.
For the holidays, now more than ever, we honestly don’t need the:
- pressure.
- spending.
- performing.
We need:
- fewer traditions rooted in someone else’s obligation.
- all the peace and calm.
- fun — however it shows up.
- clearer boundaries.
- softer expectations.
- glorious, delicious, and real rest.
And not that you need permission from lil’ ole me, but you’re allowed to:
- stay home.
- say no.
- opt out of exchanges.
- skip stressful situation-ships. You know the ones.
