Yet another slight shift in my SincerelyIreneB posts, but not by my conscious choice, but this has been all over all my feeds for months, and my friend visiting got us talking about this exact subject. Not to mention, a week or so ago, two other friends of mine touched on this topic as well. What is it?
I’m gonna begin right out the gate with I know many, many a good man. Not the fake, mask-wearing kind, I mean, I do know too many of those, sadly, but I’m stating this so if you want to come at me as a man-hater type, then knock yourself out. I truly don’t care. The only ones who’ll cry about it have those yelling podcasts, telling women that they’re half-off when they hit 30, or that no man will want them, due to their size, skin tone, hair texture, length, or heaven forbid, their independence.
I fully support putting all the tariffs on podcast equipment. Geez!
I’m also not here to dive into that pee-filled ocean of self-sadness, and resurrect this whole think piece, as I personally don’t believe in it. The truly normal, non–alpha-toting men out there aren’t buying it either. Why? Probably because they’re too busy working and living lives with their people—single, married, loved-up, and whatever.
But one part of it does have me intrigued. In particular, two words keep bubbling up in my conversations and reflections on relationships that I can’t ignore. Namely, because I just don’t understand why folks are so set on holding to their side, me included.
The Want versus Need
Now, I love all my people, and all the people they love and who love them. But, I’m gonna stay well in my lane here, and speak only in terms of hetero-romantic relationships. And even in this, I only understand women and not men, regardless of how long I’ve been awake on this spinning rock.
Speaking about all kinds of ‘ships comes up often in conversations when chit-chatting with my mates. We learn things, we get confused, frustrated, get some moments of clarity, and then back to vexing confusion. And this is its own pattern, but the one I/we have been stuck on recently is the: men seem to feel that they need women to need them, while women, if they choose to (well, my friends at least) want the freedom to want men, not need them. That difference might seem subtle at first glance, but nah, it’s huge. It’s like fighting words almost, and to me it might just shape the energy of nearly every connection we have.
Nice vs. Kind
I love the saying, “This is a hill I’ll die on”, and this one is absolutely a hill I’ll die on. Think about “want” versus “need” like this: “nice” versus “kind.”
The origin of the word “nice” meant foolish, stupid or ignorant. Yikes! “Kind”, however, derived from/related to the words “kin” and “kindred”. And so, nature, natural, innate, race, generation, and well-disposed.
Agree with me or not, but with an intense and immense passion, I hate “nice”. It’s so surface-level. It’s a polite smile and expected handshake. The way you do to get through an awkward or unwanted conversation. Not only does it seem performative, it feels transactional, often expecting immediate, and outward praise or something else in return. Kindness, on the other hand, now that’s my jam! It runs deep. Has no expectations, nor is it showy. But don’t get confused; it’s not to be taken for granted or a fool. Go ahead and do a kind person wrong—then get ready for the backlash, because you’re downright disrespecting a kind person’s deep-seated nature. Trust me, it won’t end well for you.
The same logic applies to “need” versus “want”
To me, anyway.
I feel as though “need” can often carry an anxious, fragile energy. Shaky and even controlling. If someone needs you, your presence becomes an obligation—they rely on you because they feel they can’t be, do, or, in extreme cases, live without you. That’s exhausting, heavy, and far too guilt-inducing. “Want”, however, seems enticing, liberating even. “Want” is rooted in choice and appreciation. “Want” says: “I could live without you, but I don’t want to. To quote the cool kids, “It’s giving value and valuable”. Having you here because I choose you.” And choice is always empowering and infinitely more meaningful and long-lasting. Maybe this is where I see the male and female divide.
One more time for the cheap seats: I’m choosing WANT every single time.
I want to…
- show up for my family, friends, loved ones, and for them to do the same for me.
- be present when they are happy, struggling, and everything in between.
But I don’t need…
- friendships, relationships, or any other ‘ships, that are clingy or fake.
- mates who consistently place demands on me.
- people who drain and try to guilt me into anything.
Nope, no thanks. Pass.
Wanting someone, rather than needing them, encourages mutual respect, respected space, and the possibility of long-lasting happiness. Well, that’s the hope, anyway.
And this concept shouldn’t just apply to relationships; it applies to our ambitions and passions too.
As in I “want” to publish a book. That “want” excites and motivates me. It makes the process feel like a privilege. If I framed it as, “I need to publish a book,” that’s pressure. And instead of an exciting journey, it’s now a desperate and anxious chore. “Want” leaves room for fulfillment without fear. Keeps relationships, ambitions, and even self-expression alive—not a nagging or dragging obligation.
So, whoever you are, the next time you catch yourself saying, “I need this person” or “I need that thing or outcome,” pause. Is it air, water? OK, then fine. Carry on.
Else, consider if it’s actually scarcity talking, fear sneaking in, or pressure disguising itself as necessity. Especially if you’re putting that pressure on someone else. No Bueno.
Then try “want.” I’m telling you; it will shift your perspective and might change everything.
