How To Say “Oh, No, but Thanks”, When You Don’t Want To Do Something

I Don’t have to.
Don’t desire to.
Don’t need to.

And said just like that. I can hear myself say it. Clear, crisp, firm. My kindest boundary.

Being a Londoner, though I’ve lived in the USA for two decades now, occasionally I’ve had to explain to folks that my use of “sorry”, before I speak, isn’t what they think though it’s an easy mistake to make. I’m not walking around burdened by guilt and shame for every tiny misstep I make. And I don’t mean to speak for every Londoner, but it’s cultural and a term for an “Oops”. A version of “excuse me”. A filler word we throw in to keep things light and breezy. And rarely, if ever, does it come with a full-blown apology tour.

Now, my “Oh, no, but thanks”? That’s different. Still no long-winded apology, as I didn’t make a mistake or misspeak. It’s my short and sweet nod to me not saying “oh, hell no, absolutely not. Fuck no, I’m not doing it. Ask someone else!” No explanation needed and not even a tinge of guilt attached.

Do I say it all the time? No. I’m not walking around like a one-woman wall of rejection, with invisible Wonder Woman bracelets fighting off No’s and slapping them back into people’s foreheads. I’m not that bad. But to keep from feeling depleted, overwhelmed, or simply done, this phrase slips in as my go-to. It’s calm. It’s kind. It’s mine.

The events I want to go to or the things I want to do, but have no time for, those get the real-deal explanations, and the deep and meaningful apologies. But the hard pass, the not-gonna-happen ones, I won’t waver on. Not even if you paid me in crunchie bars, my favorite UK crisps, or a bathtub filled to the tippy-top with hot sausage rolls. 

If someone decides to ignore my “Oh, no, but thanks”, or tries to nudge (or bulldoze) me into changing my mind, now I’m wrestling with myself internally and my polite-o-meter nose dives into hell. Ergo, I’m already pissed. Depending on the situation, location, and occasion, I fake hearing them out. Assessing their tone, and delivery in how they’re attempting to persuade me. Is it calm? Respectful? Fun-loving? Or is it from a place of expectation? Are they shocked that I’m saying no to them, so they’re rephrasing their ask, as if I must have misheard their proposal? Prompting them to say it differently to elicit an “Oh, I see, well in that case, yes!”. All the while, I’m singing a fire 90s RnB tune in my head, waiting for them to pause their waffle before I hit them with my same phrase. Because nothing has changed. I wasn’t doing it before. Ain’t doing it now. Won’t do it tomorrow. 

And why? Because I know what comes after committing to something I never wanted to do from jump. And what do I get in return? Chaos. The chaos that sets in me from that moment. Me rearranging the words in my head to form a better string that might have gotten me out of it. Then I’m stressing my damn self out leading up to it, drained during it, and even more pissed off afterward. Nope. I stopped 99% of that behaviour a while back. Work expectations hold the remaining 1%. If you too enjoy having on-demand lights and running water, you’ll get what I’m saying.

Those past flippant “Yeses” cost me my time, and I always regretted being goaded into them. The time I could have used to get my “things” done. The quiet space I needed to write, create, test something out and move forward on my Big Age goals. Or to just rest.

People-pleasing only works one way, and if you didn’t clock it yet- that way is never yours. Reading back my own words from journaling, or scratched notes, helped me see the patterns that weren’t serving me. It was part of the reason I created my guided journal that helped reset this affliction and a few other blockers in my life. To stop, reflect, and reclaim my time and energy. It’s no accident that one question asks, “What’s a habit, belief, or person that no longer serves you?” I’ll never say I’m completely cured, but I’d rather say no first, then go back and flip it to a yes versus the other way around. 

Some will respect it and move on. Others… not so much. But I respond even pettier to pouting, guilt-trips, or passive-aggressive anything. It won’t change my answer, and now I’m looking at you crazy.

And back to me not being a complete anti-social sociopath. I love hanging with my friends, a good happy hour, or trip. Those bootleg-therapy jokers are solidly in my yes bucket, but they’d happily accept a no with no questioning or messiness. Their invitations or request for a favour come with good intentions or a good-arse time. They’re including me in their joy, and what’s more beautiful than that? This is about connection, community, and consideration. And I appreciate all of it. I’m speaking about the ones that the thing they’re ‘including you in’, requesting your presence for, is only about them. Their want of your time, your energy, and your presence benefits them. Makes them look good. Helps them out and satisfies their agenda. And your discomfort in all of it is expected to take several backseats.

You showing up in those situations isn’t generosity, it’s self-sacrifice. It’s bending for someone else’s ego while your own needs get sidelined. You feel it in your gut, your shoulders, your mood. That weight of doing something your soul is screaming against. The more you ignore it, the louder it gets. Tell me I’m lying?

But here’s the true magic: you can get comfortable with saying no. Yeah, it’s awkward at first. Yes, you’ll second-guess yourself. But eventually, it becomes second nature. You’ll craft your own phrase. Maybe something longer than mine, softer, or even more business-sounding if preferred. Hell, lie if you need to in the beginning. The main goal is to not do the thing you in no way, shape, or form want to. How about…

“Ah, thanks for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to make it.”
“Ooh, I really appreciate the offer, but I’m going to pass.”
“Sounds fun, but I can’t right now. Enjoy!”

Doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it works for you. The key is not following up with a list of reasons or a flood of apologies, or sending out an AI generated image of your car catching on fire. Don’t wish bad karma on yourself. But also, don’t invite negotiation. Say what you mean and let it stand. You’re not being rude. You’re being real.

And truthfully, the only people who’ll get upset are the ones who were banking on your compliance… because they’ve been so used to it. They’ll figure it out, or get over it, or maybe they’ll get and stay mad. Oh well! And hey, don’t you have things to do? I know you have things to do!

Don’t keep your Big Age goals waiting any longer. Say no.