It’s Time To Say It or Stay Stuck.
Though I was never a shy kid, it still didn’t mean that I always asked for what I wanted, at least not up front and clearly. I 100% shook my head and bawled tears in my mum’s kitchen at the myriad of colorful and flavorful foods I refused to eat for no good reason. Yeah, I absolutely did that, but let’s press on, shall we.
But when I did ask for what I wanted, it worked out more often than not.
Now, with my daughters, I realize what I wish I’d practiced more myself: always asking. Emphasis on the ‘always’. Of getting in the habit of being okay with expecting something, or being ready to hear a “no,” but still asking anyway.
My girls actually do ask more, I see it in real time. Probably because I’ve always been prodding them. As they’ve gotten older, they’re getting better at it. When they were younger, I stepped in too much. Call it Mamma Bear, call it just my personality, but being their guard dog was and is as natural as breathing. My oldest was a little more headstrong than my youngest, yet I never softened my overprotectiveness; my claws stayed sharp and ready. My sister can attest to this (often), when recently she let me know of a slight incident with my yummy nephew at school. When I redid her email (unprovoked) to send to the school, I could feel the heat coming off my keyboard as I typed with fury. You don’t mess with my nephew!
Taking a breath
I can’t help wanting to push decisions and make things happen for my daughters, nephew, or anyone close to me. Yet, thinking of my girls, at times, I can’t help but wonder how things might have played out differently if I’d let them take the lead earlier.
Still, they’re learning now that not all their decisions are good ones, and that’s part of life’s deal, right? So me dwelling on the past is truly a waste of time. Now, I get more than a little giddy when they share moments with me where they did ask. Giving the full blow-by-blow moments, the back-and-forth conversational dance, even in the end if it didn’t go their way. But when it does… ooh wee! ‘Tis good!
Because, like them or not, the facts are that being women in a world where some progress seems to be slipping backward, I want them to keep showing up for themselves. And add on top of that, being Black women. Beautiful, smart, kind, and driven, Black women to be precise.
I don’t want my girls stuck, crumbling, or waiting for someone else to move their needle.
They don’t have to be loud and ludicrous. And from my experience, people with that personality combination tend to be the least confident. Confidence can be quiet, but it has to be present. Always.
The Cost of Staying Quiet
Not saying what you want isn’t just about missing out on a promotion or the dream trip. It’s about slowly giving up control of your life to other people, who’ll never see the real you or to chance. Staying quiet, and hoping someone will read your mind or intention, will fail you more times than you’ll ever win. Plus, it’s not on them to do that, it’s on you.
Maybe you’re crushing it at work, but because you never said you wanted that big project, someone else got it. Or maybe you dream of moving out of the city to live by the beach, but you never said more than a few random words, so your partner never even considered it. Meanwhile, the business idea you’ve had on hold for years — waiting to ‘feel ready’ or for the ‘right time’ — remains stuck because it’s never been said out loud.
And the cost? It’s more than just lost opportunities. You can feel happy for friends and past colleagues seeing the thing they spoke over and over about come to light. And at the same time, feel resentment building in yourself as you stayed stuck. That’s regret for all the chances you didn’t take–for not stepping up sooner and, in some cases, just asking.
Why We Don’t Say It
Fear. Not laziness and not because we don’t care or want to get stuck in and do the hard work. Nope, it’s usually…
- Fear of rejection.
- Fear of looking foolish.
- Fear that what we want is “too much” or “unrealistic” or “someone might think we’re not qualified”
Or convincing ourselves we have to be ready, really ready and 100% confident in our success, else we’re just being pushy… because, well, do we even deserve it? While I was never raised to always be agreeable, I was raised to be polite, and asking for too much without solid proof will have you doubting yourself every time. I’ll put money on it that this affliction affects us women, especially. And the outcome? Well, we wait. And wait. And wait some more.
The Shift That Changes Everything
Number 2: The moment you say what you want out loud, everything changes. But number 1: not caring or worrying about the no, or ten nos.
The yeses and nos will come when they come. So let’s just expect them, wait for them even. Once I deep down accepted that some will hate my first novel and some will like it enough — it was like turning on a light in a dark and gloomy room. Though I couldn’t see where exactly I was headed, suddenly, my path was clearer.
If this is about work, tell your boss you want to lead the next project. Tell your partner you want to travel more and where you want to go. Tell yourself you’re starting your thing, now.
When you’re clear about what you want, it’s not only easier for people to hear you, it’s easier for them to help you. Opportunities start to find you, like when you want to buy a red car, you all of a sudden start seeing red cars everywhere, like it’s a sign for you to take the next step.
Teaching It Forward
This is one of the many lessons I want my daughters to carry with them always: life moves faster when you speak up. Saying what you want doesn’t make you demanding; it makes you clear.
We all have people watching us — kids, coworkers, friends — and when we model asking for what we want, we kind of give them permission to do the same. I’ve seen it in my own life: once I started saying my goals out loud, people around me started naming theirs too.
5 Steps to Start Saying What You Want
(From me, a non-psychologist)
- Get clear on what you really want. Go beyond surface-level wishes and dig into the real need or desire.
- Put it into one simple, clear sentence. No apologies and like you’re saying it to a four-year-old.
- Practice saying it to someone safe first. Confidence grows with practice.
- Take action alongside the ask. Apply, call, sign up, don’t wait for permission.
- Stop apologizing for wanting what you want. You deserve it. You do. It’s time.
Say It Today
There’s no perfect moment to start. Start now.
There’s no perfect way to say it. And you might not get a “yes” right away. But if you stay silent, nothing changes.
And if you get a no? Reframe it. Is it a no because it’s coming from the wrong person? Or because you need to adjust your ask?
